t h e a c h e

a six poem collection on grief, lament, and the holy and edifying work of the Spirit through the hallowing out.

the ache – one

i sat with her

in the car

the rumbles

the bumps

sharpened the pain in her abdomen

i had seen her earlier

leaving church

she passed by me with quick words

a numbing pain

above her pelvis

and as i laid under the eucalyptus tree

the afternoon sun and cool breeze

meeting the book

nestled between two hands

i thought of her

and received a call

he was going to the hospital

and i knew it was her

i called her

she hesitated.

we sat in the car

as she wrestled with the question

she had been pregnant only one month

i sat by her in the clinic

a two-room storefront

with an office desk and six visitors’ seats

she explained her pain

to the woman at the desk

and requested an ultrasound

i moved across the street

and bought bottled water

room temperature

and we sat

and we waited.

a God-fearing woman

a prayer warrior

her hope

rooted and steadfast

a diamond beneath wants

and dreams

and desires

she asked

the aching question:

but why does this happen?

we had both known

what the scan would show

an unborn baby

an undeveloped fetus

a lost life.

i sat

wondered too

i had read a book

about lament and sorrow

how it draws us nearer to the Lord

lament is holy

as it draws us to our knees

before the throne

sorrow is righteous

a song of praise

a hope of a coming redemption

of all that is lost

and broken

i thought i was ready

for the hard question

and the fellowship

of the suffering

grief and sorrow

to encourage

uplift

empathize

to offer support

and a sound answer

we sat together

and i remembered

psalm 13

six verses

a psalm of lament:

how long, o lord?

will you forget me forever?

how long will you hide your face from me?

how long shall i take counsel in my soul,

having sorrow in my heart daily?

how long will my enemy be exalted over me?

consider and hear me, o lord my god;

enlighten my eyes, lest i sleep the sleep of death;

lest my enemy say,

“i have prevailed against him”;

lest those who trouble me rejoice when i am moved.

but i have trusted in your mercy;

my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

i will sing to the lord,

because he has dealt bountifully with me.

a scandalous thought

to believe the words

of God

scandalous to believe

as sin taints

our broken world

that God is still good

and it is all

still for His glory

it is a scandalous thought

to believe

that loss

is redeemed

the question still lingers

but where do we?

do we linger

in nearness

to the One Who Sees?

---

the ache – two

it was july

i was sitting outside

under the hot

and familiar

summer sun

in the desert heat

where my roots

run deep

my body still

ached

recovering

from weeks of illness

still uncomfortable

in my skin

and

my heart

torn between

time

and place

and he called

and he told me

of an announcement

made in the church

the one i call

home

he told me

out of love

and obligation

of the adultery

and i thought

of all the assumptions

and words

and backbiting

and sorrow

accompanied

with sin

the way people

look

and point

the grim

faces

of disappointment

and disgust

yes

we are naïve to think

our sin only affects

us

yes

we are even more naïve

to think

somehow

we are better

more upright

or righteous

for if i say

surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me

even the darkness

will not be dark to you

the night will shine like the day

for darkness is as light to you[i]

where there is light

darkness cannot exist

and it is true

that Jesus covers

all sin

and it is true

that in the light

our truest shapes

are seen

the wholly broken

and cracked places

of expectations

and pride

and idols

and people

but as we taste

the bitterness

of sin

truly

it makes

the cross

taste

sweeter

for if not for sin

what need is there for redemption?

and if not

generations

and generations

of broken and disobedient

people

and the law

and the prophets

and the prophecies

what would Jesus’

life have meant?

and His death?

God on a tree

as we begin

to see our sin,

just a glimpse of

what it is

we see

the cross

covers far more

than we could ever

imagine

---

the ache – three

it had

been months

years

of a wandering

heart

filled with questions

expectations mostly

and dreams too

i wrote poems

broken sonnets

waited

i shattered the castle

i destroyed the garden

it was a friday

or maybe it was

thursday

when i fell apart

doubt

doubted

and a few weeks later

i walked in the rain

with my hood

off to let the

tears

rinse

and in my weeping

my sorrow spoke of

His goodness

and

grace

oh

and i breathed

and my soul

released

and i spoke

into the still

and quiet

yes

Lord

i can

breathe

the wonder and

the anger

at expectations

of life

and futures

of others

of God

an ache

of

tension

the tear

between

places

and

people

you love

---

the ache – four

it was the

hardest

thing

i ever

ventured in

to move

across

the world

oceans and seas

and continents

and say goodbye

to the place

the people

the society

the culture

that grew me

it is one year

in a distant and foreign land

and i am still

cream

in the pearl of africa

---

the ache – five

God

does not

dwell

in a building

or a place

we go

on sunday

He dwells in

you

o ye

of little faith

---

the ache – six

it was me

or the shell of

a body

struggling and battling

it began on christmas morning

the doctor said

malaria

and

typhoid

then i woke

two days after

finishing treatment

the fever had returned

the loss of appetite

the weight of fatigue

and days of tiredness

the doctor said

relapse

persistent typhoid

and i read

on the web

the complications

of typhoid relapse

and the resistance

to antibiotic treatment

i sunk

fell apart

in the chair

of the car

as i struggled with

the tough question

and exhaustion in my bones

but i knew even then

my hope is well kept

in the coming

redemption

and hard

and beautiful

moments pass

to edify

would i walk

in obedience

and humility

would i accept

victory

offered

not by my own

ability

or

access

or

strength

not by

doctors

or medicine

not by sheer will

or want

but victory

that Jesus

defeated death

and

that my body

is His

holy

temple

in which He

dwells

and He cares

oh yes

His love is

sweeter

and eternity

greater

than the grandest

of earthly

loves

even health itself

cannot satisfy

or quench

the burning flame

or

tend the fire

the soul desire

and the words

of scripture

truth

landed

softly

on my

aching

heart

peace

---

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God.

For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God.

For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. Not only that, but we also who have the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body.

For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees?

But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.

Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses.

For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:18-28

[i] Psalm 139